Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well; making them old men and women inexorably enough, but leaving their hearts and spirits young and in full vigor. With such people the grey head is but the impression of the old fellow’s hand in giving them his blessing, and every wrinkle but a notch in the quiet calendar of a well-spent life. Charles Dickens
For this first assignment concerning the aging process, please answer the following questions, searching deeply for your true feelings. As with all our contemplations, please do not judge yourself for the ways in which you think or feel about your answers.
- When was the first time you realized that you too were aging?
PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT #29
AGING #2
In the next contemplation we will explore some of the frequent issues that accompany aging. Of course these are not necessary components of the aging process.
Please consider whether you experience any of these issues, or if you know others who are going through them. Please describe how you have seen these difficulties manifest. We want to make these symptoms conscious so we can observe them mindfully without judgment or reactivity when they arise.
- Loneliness – feeling cut off from other people, isolated, unloved, and friendless. Of course there is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone.
- Embarrassment – feeling shame because of the change in how we look or sound as the body begins to decay.
- Powerlessness – diminished physical strength, the fear of not being able to defend oneself, retirement anxiety, and the feeling of not having power over the mental changes that are taking place. As a result, the aging person’s world begins to shrink.
- Loss of meaning; loss of the role one played in life – it feels as if the person ceases to matter as an individual.
- Depression – the person feels like a failure as self-images, psychological ways of coping, physical strength, interest in sexual activities, and worldly positions begin to fall away.
- Fears – may include incontinence, abandonment, dependency, illness, insomnia, blindness, deafness, chronic pain and death.
In the next contemplations we will begin to explore how to make aging a creative and spiritual journey.
A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time. Oliver W. Holmes, Sr.
- What are the cultural messages about aging that you have been hearing throughout your life?
- What were your family messages about aging?
- What are your honest feelings, thoughts, concerns, and anticipations about the aging process? (Try to have your deepest thoughts and feelings come out from the shadows.)
- As an actual assignment for this set of contemplations, ask three people –in the next week or two- who are in their 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, or beyond what is the best thing about growing older.
Please Note: If you email me the answers to these questions before December 2nd I’ll compile the list and hand them out on December 4th. This is not a requirement.
In the next few contemplations we will discuss various dimensions of the aging process and how to benefit from this life transition.
PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT #30
AGING #3
An elder is a person who is still growing, still a learner, still with potential and whose life continues to have within it promise for, and connection to, the future. An elder is still in pursuit of happiness, joy, and pleasure, and her or his birthright to these remains intact. Moreover, an elder is a person who deserves respect and honor and whose work it is to synthesize wisdom from long life experience and formulate this into a legacy for future generations. Barry Barkan
Gerontologist and Founder of the Pioneer Network, an organization dedicated to changing the nursing home culture in America
As elders of our generation we need to heal our planet and to mend the rift between the various peoples of the world. We need to harvest the last years of our lives in order to turn the process of age-ing into one of “sage-ing.”
How do we accomplish this paradigm shift? Reb. Zalman Schachter-Shalomi suggests a four step process. A brief summary of these steps follow. (You can, if you choose, read more about this process in his book, From Aging to Saging. It is not required reading.)
Please complete the two contemplations under “Repairing our Lives.”
- Restoring our Health
Work with exercises that relax the body and make it more flexible and energetic. Lack of physical activity keeps our muscles overcontracted, deforms skeletal alignment, inhibits the movement of joints, and reduces blood flow to the brain.
Studies have shown that it is also helpful to think, look, act, and speak as if one was twenty years younger. Some physical signs of aging can be reversed merely through changes in self-perception.
- Encountering our Mortality
Contemplating our death will not hasten its arrival. When we are afraid of looking forward because of the specter of death, we tend to focus on the past. This limits our ability to move forward in our lives with confidence.
We can rehearse our own physical death in an attempt to desensitize our automatic fear reactions. This converts the energy involved with repressing thoughts of death into greater vitality for living. It is helpful to ask yourself what you fear most about dying.
(We will be deeply engaged in similar activities when we work with death and dying in the coming months.)
- Repairing our Lives
We want to heal our psychic bruises by recontextualizing our perceived failures and difficulties. We want to revisit these experiences not to justify them or to explain them away. We want to find the hidden meanings or lessons within each of these circumstances. We cannot continue to see ourselves as victims of early life trauma and at the same time move forward with joy.
CONTEMPLATION #1
Create three columns on a piece of paper. In the first, make a list of all the people who you believe wronged or hurt you in some way. In the second, describe the apparent injustice. In the last column explore how the experience actually benefited you in unforeseen ways. You may want to begin with smaller resentments and work up to the more significant ones.
CONTEMPLATION #2
After quieting and calming the mind, think about a time of emotional crisis in which you felt alone, misunderstood, unconsoled, or in pain. Reach back with warmth, love, and assurance from the present. Let your elder self gently hold your unhealed younger self. Then, let your elder self say with great compassion, “I bring you a message from your future. You are going to make it. The pain did not last forever. You acted with courage and took care of things. Everything worked out just fine. You learned great lessons from the experience.” Finally, continue holding and nurturing your younger self until the pain releases.
- Nourishing the Spiritual
We need to tap into the source of spiritual nourishment. This comes from committing ourselves to the process of meditation, which keeps us centered in life through the waters of transition and change. Meditation positively affects our bodies, minds, emotions, and opens our hearts to the sacredness of life. Please recommit yourself to practicing daily.
ONE YEAR TRAINING PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT #31
AGING #4
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou
We have all gained from the wisdom of our elders. Our mentors have supported us as we learned how to navigate our lives and to express our authenticity and unique talents in the world. In the presence of our mentors we were able to talk about our failures and shortcomings without the fear of being judged. We were encouraged to keep going when we felt frustrated and filled with doubt. Our mentors have transmitted what cannot be acquired by reading books. As one Hassidic student said regarding his teacher, “I did not go to learn Torah from him, but to watch him tie his shoe laces.”
What have our mentors gained from these interactions? It has given them a way of preserving their valuable life experiences. It has created opportunities to continue making a difference in the world even while the body is aging and the mind is becoming more forgetful. It has kept these loving individuals connected to the vibrancy and forward thinking that is embodied by youthful enthusiasm.
Perhaps it is time you thought about mentoring.
The following are some guidelines for mentoring:
- We listen to the mentee’s genuine concerns and desires with an open heart and mind before attempting to share our wisdom. No transmission of wisdom is possible if we are not sharing what the mentee wants to learn.
- Rather than imposing knowledge, help the mentee search for the answers on his or her own. Have them embark on a voyage of discovery with you silently guiding their questioning.
- Be willing to let your humanity show. Your mentee will learn more about living authentically from seeing your imperfections and how you work with them. Model balance and wholeness rather than a false perfection.
- Respect your mentee’s uniqueness. Resist the desire to create a mirror image of yourself. Consistently remind them of their own extraordinary abilities.
One way of keeping young at heart is through mentoring. Are you currently mentoring family members such as your children or grandchildren? Are you mentoring in the workplace or school system? Are you mentoring in the community by volunteering in some capacity? Please consider this.
