Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves. Robert Frost
Our shadow are those aspects of ourselves that we have rejected because they did not seem worthy of acceptance or expression. Whatever our ego or sense of self does not want to acknowledge, is repressed into the unconscious. This repressed material can include antisocial urges, or even positive aspects of ourselves that do not match our present self-image. All the feelings and capacities that are rejected by the ego and exiled into the shadow contribute to the hidden power of the rejected aspects of human nature.
These shadow aspects of ourselves are sometimes seen outside ourselves in a projected form. The attributes that we emotionally react to in others, that get under our skin, are typically those which we despise in ourselves. This is also true for those qualities that we admire in others. Something in our self-perception does not allow us to acknowledge that those positive attributes lie within us as well.
Since whatever we resist tends to persist, we actually give energy to these resisted qualities by the very act of denying them or pushing them out of our conscious awareness. The consequence is that some of our creative energies are being cut-off and laying dormant. This creates a tension as the shadow, which begs for recognition, is repressed by the ego of which it is a part.
The more we deny one side of our experience, the more reactive we are to the other: the more we hold to pleasure, the more we fear pain; the more we
pursue goodness, the more obsessed we are with evil; the more we try to
be calm, the more irritated we feel; the more we seek happiness, the more we fear sadness; the more we cling to life, the more terrified we are with death. Carl Jung, who introduced the concept of the shadow, once said, “I’d rather be whole than good.”
Acknowledging and integrating our shadow is very difficult since doing so conflicts with the image we have of ourselves and the image of ourselves we like to project to the world. It is much easier to continue projecting our shadow material onto others, in order to blame them for our reactivity and suffering.
The first step in freeing ourselves from these unconscious influences is to recognize that they exist. This does not mean that we must express any of the unskillful attributes or become prideful regarding the skillful ones. It is simply allowing those attributes to arise to consciousness without the distortions of judgment or mentally dialoging about them.
Carl Jung once addressed this issue by posing the riddle, “How do you find a lion that has swallowed you?”
Only a mind that is in conflict with itself creates trouble for itself and others. Peaceful minds create a peaceful atmosphere. The cause of our difficulties is not the shadow attributes, but the fact that we deny them believing that they make us unlovable, or that we are unworthy of being whole and complete.
We need to take the shadow seriously. One cannot deflate the power of the shadow bypassing it through spiritual practices. It cannot be managed through self-control of our impulses.
There is a collective shadow that exists for all humanity. According to Sam Keen, a professor of philosophy and religion, it manifests as:
We are innocent They are guilty
We tell the truth – inform They lie – use propaganda
We only defend ourselves They are aggressors
We have defense department They have a war department
Our weapons are to deter Their weapons are to strike first
Creation is a world of opposites. Everything exists in contrast. We cannot attain inner peace or clarity of mind by denying the dualistic nature of the outer or inner world. There is a perfection to be realized, but we only realize it by embracing the duality and ultimately recognizing that who we truly are lies outside this dualistic context.
Through developing a healthy relationship with the shadow we achieve a more genuine self-acceptance, we diffuse our reactivity in the world, and we recognize how our projections color our opinions of others and the ways in which we respond to them. When we fully accept our shadow attributes we become whole. We stop judging others and great compassion arises for those still identified with the conditioned world. We fully open to each new moment as it arises to consciousness. We realize Ultimate Reality – the unity that lies beyond the diversity.
So how do we begin to own or integrate our shadow side?
Embracing the Opposites
One way to connect with our shadow side is to assume the very opposite of what we are feeling, wishing, loving, desiring, fearing, or hating. We want to see how our shadow looks at the world and to befriend those parts of ourselves that we have rejected. This does not mean acting on the opposite perspectives – it just means becoming aware of and accepting them.
For example, if you feel that you intensely dislike someone, become aware of the side of you that likes the person. If you are in love with someone, acknowledge the part of you that could not care less. If you hate having a particular symptom or pain, become aware of the part of you that secretly enjoys having it.
The moment we are truly aware of our opposites without judgment, both the positive and negative feelings towards a person or circumstance, many of the tensions associated with that individual or situation falls away. This occurs because the unconscious battle of opposites which created the tension to begin with is dissolved. This enables equanimity to arise and allows a natural transcendence to occur.
Thinking One Way and Acting Another
Another way to spot the shadow is to look for things we do even though we “know better.” Our shadow tends to leak out no matter how hard we try to contain it. For example, we may pledge to spend more time with the family, but wind up spending more time at work. We may find ourselves engaging in a destructive relationship, even though we know that we are not making the most skillful choice. When we engage in a self-destructive form of behavior, it is a sign that the shadow is running the show. We need to acknowledge the shadow without judgment or criticism. When we shine light on the shadow it no longer has the same sphere of influence.
Compassion Towards Oneself
To integrate our shadow we need to extend our love and compassion to the parts of ourselves that we have denied. It is not easy since it means accepting those aspects of our personality that we have considered inferior and socially unacceptable. However, the care we give to ourselves is also the cure.
Avoid criticizing the mind for being subject to the tension of opposites that has always been present but heretofore denied. If while acknowledging our shadow attributes a self-judgment does arises, we need to avoid judging the judgment. Be patient and kind with yourself as you experience the pain and difficulties associated with being human.
ONE YEAR TRAINING PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT
GENEROSITY
If people knew, as I know, the fruits of sharing gifts, they would not enjoy their use without sharing them, nor would the taint of stinginess obsess the heart. Even if it were their last bit, their last morsel of food, they would not enjoy its use without sharing it if there was someone else to share it with. The Buddha
We could actually spend an entire year and not exhaust the meaning, importance, and practices related to generosity. Implicit in generosity is loving-kindness, compassion, and freedom. Every time we give we release ourselves a bit more from our identification with material possessions and our self-identity. Generosity enables us to feel our interconnection to the universe.
To paraphrase the Torah, part of the Judaic scriptures, “Rock is hard but iron smashes it; iron is hard but fire softens it; fire is hard but water extinguishes it; water is strong but clouds carry it; clouds are strong but wind scatters them; wind is strong but the body breathes it; the body is strong but fear defeats it; fear is strong but death overcomes it; death is strong but generosity saves us from its grip.” Generosity, in the truest sense, means the giving up or renunciation of one’s identification with self. There is no longer an identification with that which is born or with that which dies. Therefore, true generosity overcomes all death.
Generosity is the beginning of the path. When the Buddha taught, he always began with generosity. Generosity is an important way of opening the mind and heart.
Consider how the mind feels narrow, constricted and attached when we lack generosity. What is your relationship to yourself at those times? When the mind feels that way, how easy is it to accept painful or difficult experiences? By contrast, a generous mind feels spacious, boundless, and open. Consider how much easier it is during those times to deal with difficult circumstances when they arise.
Let’s begin with some exercises or contemplations that have to do with becoming more generous on the material level:
- The highest form of giving material goods is when you know someone who needs money but is too proud to ask for it. Find a way to give money anonymously. You can have a messenger deliver it or have a cashier’s check sent without your name being on the check. Send it without a return address. Never tell the person or anyone else about what you did. NEVER.
- Calculate your income. Determine a percentage you intend on giving away. Make the percentage reasonable enough so that you can keep to the commitment. Then do it.
- Whenever you give something away, notice if you have any expectations of return. Even if you are looking for a simple thank you or a sign of appreciation, it is expecting too much. The ideal type of giving comes from a heart which freely shares whatever it has. If expectations do arise, become mindful of them without judgment, and recognize how these thoughts spring from attachment and self-centeredness. Allow the thoughts to naturally subside and experience the joy that arises from a heart that is free of greed, pride, or self-concern.
ONE YEAR TRAINING PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT
GENEROSITY #2
To give in order to gain is no giving at all. Krishnamurti
Giving brings happiness at every stage of its expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous, we experience joy in the actual act of giving something, and we experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given. The Buddha
The Latin root of the word generosity is generosus, which means “of Noble Birth.” It is through the act of generosity that we become Noble Ones.
In its most expanded sense, generosity means not clinging to material goods, to beliefs, disbeliefs, ideologies, or self-constructs. It means releasing the mind from its position of trying to control life and to open to the wisdom that each moment brings. We cannot select one area of our lives in which to be generous, and not be generous in another as if the first compensates for the second. Generosity means not clinging to anything.
Part of generosity is maintaining a balance between giving and receiving. The cause of many relationship issues stem from an imbalance in this area. Sometimes we are unwilling to receive what someone wants to give us out of pride, feelings of unworthiness, or not wanting to be obligated. Have you been with people who did not allow you to contribute? Consider how that made you feel.
When we are willing to give everything away, there is nothing we can lose.
Please reflect on the following:
- How does it feel when I give?
- How does it feel (in the body and mind) at the very moment that I pass up an opportunity to give? (This requires great subtlety of observation.)
- What does my inner voice say to me that prevents me from expressing more generosity?
- What regrets, if any, arise to my mind after I give?
- What do I expect in return when I give (e.g., a favor, a thank you, appreciation, excitement, gratitude, etc.)?
- Is my giving always planned as opposed to being spontaneous? If it is, why might that be?
- Do I ever give anonymously? If not, why might that be?
- Am I identified with being a generous or selfish person?
- Who has taught me what I know about living from a generous heart?
- What specific lessons about generosity have I learned?
- How do I enact them now?
- What do I need to do to express more generosity in my life?
GENEROSITY #3
Generosity is a willingness to give, to open without philosophical or pious or religious motives, just simply doing what is required at any moment in any situation, not being afraid to receive anything. Opening could take place in the middle of a highway. We are not afraid that smog and dust or people’s hatreds and passions will overwhelm us; we simply open, completely surrender, give.
So transcendental generosity is giving whatever you have…this is the selfless action of a bodhisattva. He is not self-conscious: “Am I making any mistakes?”; “Am I being careful?”; To whom should I open?” …This is why (generosity) is a paramita. It is beautiful. Chogyam Trungpa
TONGLEN
Friends, this will be the final contemplation regarding generosity. The following is a discussion of a powerful process called “Tonglen,” which literally means “Sending and Taking.”
The process is designed to undermine our self-absorption (which blocks the arising of generosity) and to enable us to open our hearts to others
Normally we choose those things in life that build up our ego or sense of self, and reject those things which threaten it
In the practice of Tonglen, we learn to take into ourselves that which we have typically rejected, and to send out to others what we have always desired for ourselves
This practice “rides with the breath.” With our in-breath we breathe in the sufferings of other living beings, and with our out breath we send forth our healing thoughts and feelings of health, happiness, and good wishes.
This practice can feel very threatening for some people since it feels like we are taking in physical, psychological, and spiritual poisons, and at the same time breathing out our own source of good health and joy.
Paradoxically, this powerful and effective process actually increases our inner well-being as our hearts learn to transform misery or suffering, into a profound experience of generosity, love and peace
This practice is not a show of our personal bravery since ultimately, because of the interdependent nature of the universe, it is our own suffering and joy that we are breathing in and out
The experience of Tonglen should be free-flowing where we release and accept without any strain or effort
Generosity means giving up a self-centered approach towards life and it is a profound opening of our hearts.
All the suffering we see in the world arises because we are so self-centered, because we wish only for our own personal happiness.
All the happiness we see in the world arises because of our taking care of the welfare of other sentient beings.
As long as space endures,
And as long as sentient beings remain,
May I too abide
To dispel the suffering of all sentient beings. Shantideva
Tonglen is designed to cut off our self-concern and self-defense. It helps to eradicate our deeply ingrained subject/object dualistic perspective. As a result of practicing Tonglen, we begin to realize that there is only one of us experiencing all the suffering and joys of life. A non-dual understanding arises and can become a gateway to freedom.
Please consistently practice the following to experience the great benefits that can arise.
THE TONGLEN PROCESS
- Begin by sitting quietly, allowing the mind to settle
- Place your attention on your breath
- Feel your breath in the area of your chest, as if you could breathe in and out of your heart
- With each in-breath we are going to breathe in all the pains and sorrows of all those who are suffering. This will be visualized as hot, black, grimy smoke or tar.
- With each out-breath, we will breathe out deep compassion that reaches the innermost hearts of those individuals who are suffering. This will be visualized as rays of white light.
- When the suffering enters our heart through the vehicle of the breath, our heart will act as a transformer, changing the suffering and sorrow into the warmth of compassion, which we will then be breathing out. (If you have difficulty imaging your heart acting as a transformer, you can visualize the Buddha, Jesus, the Dalai Lama, or some other compassionate being residing in your heart space helping you to create this transformation.) The suffering of others does not stay in your heart. It is transformed into compassion for all beings.
- Imagine in front of you, as vividly and poignantly as possible, someone you deeply care for. Try and imagine every aspect of that person’s pain and distress.
- As you feel your heart opening to their pain, imagine that all their
suffering is gathering together as a great mass of hot, black, grimy smoke or tar.
- As you breathe in, visualize that mass of smoke or tar coming into the very core of your heart.
- Experience your heart transforming both the suffering of that other being, and of your own self-grasping attitude.
- Now breathe out rays of the cooling and healing white light of compassion, joy, peace, and well-being. Visualize that white light of compassion touching their inner-most heart.
- Deeply feel that the suffering of your loved one is being abated through this process. (We are all interdependent and interrelated and any such effort does affect that other being.)
- Now imagine in front of you, as vividly and poignantly as possible, someone with whom you are having difficulty. Try and imagine every aspect of that person’s pain and distress.
- Once again, as you feel your heart opening to their pain, imagine that all their suffering is gathering together as a great mass of hot, black, grimy smoke or tar.
- As you breathe in, visualize that mass of smoke or tar coming into the very core of your heart.
- Experience your heart transforming both the suffering of that other being, and of your own self-grasping attitude.
- Now breathe out rays of the cooling and healing white light of compassion, joy, peace, and well-being. Visualize that white light of compassion touching their inner-most heart.
- Deeply feel that the suffering of that individual has been abated through this process.
Continue this breathing in and breathing out process in the same manner as above for the following:
- Breathe in the sorrows of those who are hungry, and breathe out compassion for their pain.
- Breathe in the sorrows of those who are caught in war, and breathe out compassion for their terror
- Breathe in the sorrows of those who are very ill, and breathe out compassion for their feelings of weakness and despair.
- Breathe in the sorrows of those who are dying, and breathe out compassion for their fear.
- Breathe in the sorrows for all the pain you have caused in the world, and breathe out compassion for all you have hurt
- With each in-breath, let the suffering of all living beings touch your heart, and with your out-breath, feel the healing force of your compassion touching them.
- Please continue to remain present in your heart space until you determine that you want to end the session.
