Unless we resolve fear we live in darkness…As human beings we must resolve this problem, because if we cannot, we cannot possibly live righteously…and unless one is totally free of fear, the mind can never discover what truth is, what bliss is, and if there is such a thing as a timeless state.
Krishnamurti
Fear always springs from ignorance
Ralph Waldo Emerson
FEAR
Contemplation #1: Please identify and describe the types of fear you experience.
- Intimacy___________________________________________________
- Becoming disabled __________________________________________
- Being alone ________________________________________________
- Children leaving home _______________________________________
- Natural disasters ____________________________________________
- Loss of financial security _____________________________________
- Change ___________________________________________________
- Dying ____________________________________________________
- War _____________________________________________________
- Illness __________________________________________________
- Losing a loved one _________________________________________
- Being out of control ________________________________________
- Commitment _____________________________________________
- Public speaking ___________________________________________
- Making a mistake _________________________________________
- Rejection ________________________________________________
- Failure __________________________________________________
- Success _________________________________________________
- Disapproval ______________________________________________
- Getting lost ______________________________________________
- The past catching up _______________________________________
- The future _______________________________________________
- Death ___________________________________________________
- Opening your heart ________________________________________
- Speaking the truth _________________________________________
- Pain ____________________________________________________
- God ____________________________________________________
- Selflessness (Recognizing you have no independent self) __________
___________________________________________________________
- Other fears not listed
____________________________________________________________
Contemplation #2: Which of these fears are reality based where the fear arises while you are actually experiencing the circumstance you fear?
Please be careful not to confuse the anticipation of the circumstance with the circumstance actually occurring.
Contemplation #3: Are you sure that ANY of these fears arise based upon actual circumstances?
Is it possible that when you are truly present in the circumstance there is no room for fear? Please investigate deeply.
To work with fear effectively, we need to recognize the source and true nature of fear.
In this next contemplations we will explore how others use fear to manipulate us, how to work with fear on a psychological level, and seeing the true nature of fear which is the basis for spiritual liberation.
PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT #25
Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness. Dr. Susan Jeffers
FEAR #2
It is only those things of which we are not aware that can control us. If we are conscious of what is arising in our minds, we can effectively respond to what is occurring. In the following contemplations we will explore some of ways in which people may try to manipulate us through the use of fear, and how we may be unconsciously reacting to that manipulation.
When people close to us threaten us directly or indirectly in an attempt to control our behavior through fear, it is referred to as emotional coercion or blackmail. In a sense the hidden message is, “If you do not do what I want you will suffer.” It usually comes from people who know our vulnerabilities or hidden secrets.
There is an acronym for the blackmail process – FOG. It stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Dr. Susan Forward
Contemplation #1
The following are some indicators that we may be susceptible to emotional coersion from people close to us. Please consider if any of these statements reflect your own experience. One or more individuals:
- Threaten to make your life difficult if you do not do what they want
- Threaten to end the relationship if you do not do what they want
- Tell you they will become depressed if you do not do what they want
- Assume that you will give in to them if they apply enough pressure and make you feel fearful
- Ignore your needs and feelings
- Label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling, or uncaring when you do not give into them
- Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don not
- Use money or sex as a weapon to get their way
Of course it takes two for emotional blackmail to work. Our compliance reinforces the blackmailer’s behavior.
The basic and underlying emotion that underlies our acquiescence to the other person’s demands is FEAR. Some of the veiled or unveiled threats may be:
- I will leave you
- Disapprove of you
- Stop loving you
- Become aggressive
- Make your life miserable
- Confront you
- Fire you
Contemplation #2
Please write out as many threats as you can remember from those close to you that have caused fear to arise in your mind.
Is this still going on?
It is important not to blame or judge the person who is trying to blackmail us. Many of his or her behaviors stem from their own insecurities. Tapes such as the following may be playing in their minds motivating their behaviors:
- This isn’t going to work out
- I never get what I want
- I don’t trust others to care about my needs
- I don’t know if I can deal with not getting what I want
- No one cares for me as I care for them
- I always lose anyone I care about
Contemplation #3
The following are thought processes that can set off programmed responses to the other person’s demands, if we are not conscious of them arising to consciousness. Please consider which of these are true for you. Please remember not to judge yourself for these conditioned patterns of thought.
- Fearing that the relationship will fall apart if you do not give in
- Feeling that you are the only one who can satisfy the needs of the other person
- Believing that the obligation you have to the other person is greater than the one you have to yourself
- Feeling that you are a bad or uncaring person if you do not give in
- Having a strong need for approval
- Having an intense fear of anger
- Feeling a need for peace at any price
- Having a tendency to take responsibility for other people’s lives
- Feeling a lot of self-doubt
If we have been in the emotional blackmail loop, how are we to become free of it?
First and foremost, we need to uncover the subtle ways in which others have been using fear to manipulate our behavior. By reviewing the above contemplations, we can begin to isolate the cause and effect process in which we have been participating. These patterns need to be observed mindfully, as they occur, without judgment of ourselves or others. Judgment will only feed into the patterns and reinforce them.
Simultaneous with recognizing the patterns as they occur, we need to create the habit of remaining silent instead of responding immediately to what is being said. This space of silence will allow us to become conscious of the fears that are arising.
Recognize that the basis of the fears that the other person is trying to engender in us is our thought that we will not be able to handle the circumstances that are being threatened, or that the other person must be right regarding their perception of us. These are just thoughts.
We need to directly realize that the emotion of fear is nothing more than thoughts, sensations in the body, and unpleasant feelings in the mind. These are all conditioned and impermanent phenomena that will subside as we remain present with the experience of fear.
When the fear passes, as it will if we able to remain present with the experience, we will be able to communicate the thoughts and feelings that reflect our inner clarity and open heart.
It is important to cultivate compassion for the individuals who feel that their needs will only be filled through manipulating others to do what they want.
Please be patient with yourself. These are difficult patterns to break. Practicing with patience yields fearlessness. Share these teachings with anyone who may benefit. These teachings were freely given to me by my teacher Matt Fkickstein.
