There is sutta called Piyajatika Sutta (From One Who is Dear Sutta ) that created quite a
commotion). The sutta describes a householder whose son had died and was unable to eat, work,
sleep or carry on with his life. The Buddha told him that “sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress and
despair, are born from loved ones, spring from loved ones”. This is not what the householder
wanted to hear and refuted the Buddha by telling him “loved ones are a source of happiness not
sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress and despair” The householder then goes to ask some gamblers
nearby who was correct. Of course the Gamblers told him the Buddha was wrong.
It appears that the householder and Gautama (Buddha) were in completely different places here
with regard to their ideas about loved ones. But I don’t think so. Buddha taught that there are
here three kinds of results from our experiences: the first is that we see the pleasant, or skillful
nature of an experience; the second is that we see the unpleasant or unskillful nature of an
experience; and the third is that we look beyond the pleasant or unpleasant experience and look
for where the heart’s release is found- what is the place where our hearts can open into an
experience and release from the wanting and pushing away that often accompanies our
experiences (both pleasant and unpleasant.)? I also think the Buddha was talking about more
than just the loss of loved ones through death. Loved ones cause pain in many other ways, and in
experiencing that pain there is a sense of loss.
Let’s be honest, nobody wants to experience suffering. And cliché’s about how there is a “silver
lining” or that it “happens for the best” are very little comfort. And the notion that “we don’t
exist” doesn’t help much either although it may be true enough. Schopenhauer said “life is
endless pain with a painful end” and while I don’t mean to be too fatalistic he at least is willing
to recognize the nature of suffering in our lives. But it’s good to keep in mind that loss is the big
equalizer, that is, everyone suffers loss and we all lose things throughout our lives. We’ve lost
jobs, lovers, money, children, parents, our youth, our health, our innocence and in the end we
“lose” our life. Buddha describes death as an elephant’s footprint-the biggest footprint in the
forest.
The Buddha taught that the first step in handling suffering is to look at it honestly and put aside
denial. A contemporary teacher has called this “untying the NOT”. With practice we can learn to
directly experience the unpleasant nature of loss and then reflect on it. There is a possibility of
transformation within the experience of loss, but only if we have the courage to look- and this
isn’t easy. Look at what is the most significant loss that you’ve experienced in your life. Go
ahead and take a moment to find this loss. We often find that when we experience loss (or re-experience it) there is a tendency to feel diminished in our sense of self or to make up a story that
paints us as a victim- that we didn’t deserve this. Can you give up all hope for a better past?
That’s what it takes to start the heart’s true release.
The Sutta continues with the word getting around that the Buddha was teaching that loved ones
were a source of pain an distress and eventually the word gets to the king who questions his wife
Mallika about this since she was a devotee of Buddha. And when questioned she immediately
responds by saying that if that is what her teacher says then it must be true. But she then asks a
Brahmin to go ask the Buddha if that’s what he really said. After asking the Buddha and
receiving a moving description of how loved ones are indeed the source of distress the Brahmin
reports this vivid description to the queen who then uses the Buddha’s explanation to convince
the king of the wisdom of this teaching.
It is clear to me that the Buddha was not teaching that we should not love because we will
experience loss. The Buddha’s teachings are filled with descriptions of loving-kindness,
compassion, and celebrating the joys of others. The message in this sutta is that with love there
will inevitably be loss. Who can deny that our loved ones will either die or cause us to
experience loss in some other way? We cannot separate love from loss. So when we love, our
practice should be to develop the wisdom to accept the loss that is part of that love. This is where
the heart’s true release lies- in the ability to love and accept that loss cannot be separated from it.
When we open to this truth our heart is released to love freely and there are no bounds to this
love.
Dylan Thomas wrote a moving poem about death. In the poem he says “Though lovers are lost,
love is not”. He has crystallized the message of this sutta. Lovers (loved ones) may be lost but
with a true understanding, wisdom, and the heart’s true release, “love is not”.
May you be well, happy and peaceful.
Floyd
