People tend to speak to us as they have heard us speak. If we are known to exaggerate or lie, others find it easier to lie to us. If we habitually malign others, people find it easier to speak harshly of us. The converse is also true. If we are known for truthfulness, our words are more easily believed. If we have a reputation for discretion, others find it harder to spread gossip about us. If our speech is always kind and gentle, others feel embarrassed to swear or speak crudely in our presence.
Bhante Gunaratana
Contemplation #1
The following discussion on “Ineffective Forms of Communication” is derived from a book on communication entitled “For Couples Only.” This book is used as part of a graduate course on how to conduct couples therapy. As you read these ineffective communication styles, please reflect on whether you utilize these patterns of communication. While you are speaking, become aware of how you may be using these forms of communication. Please be compassionate with yourself and avoid judging yourself for your past speech. Simply endeavor to speak more effectively from this point on.
- Criticizing the other person
- Name calling and belittling (“You’re stupid, no one in their right mind would do that, you’re being childish,” and so on)
- Blaming and accusing (“You’re extravagant, you never take my side, you don’t show me any consideration” and so on)
- Pseudo questions (Really a form of blaming “Why can’t you
come home on time just once, Why can’t you ever discipline the kids” and so on)
- Coercing the other person
- Demanding and ordering (“Clean up the house – it’s like a pig sty,” and so on)
- Intimidating and threatening (“If you do that once more I’m
calling my lawyer, if you don’t express your love differently
there are lot’s of other women/men who will,” and so on)
- Attempting to make the other person feel guilty (“How can you justify never spending time with the family,” and so on)
- Taking a superior position
- Mind reading (“I think you are complaining to get back at me for…,” and so on)
- Psychologizing (“The trouble with you is that you have an
inferiority complex, you’re too sensitive, I think subconsciously
you hate me,” and so forth)
- Speaking in terms of “we” (“We need to have more time
together,” and so on)
- Giving unsought advice (One person says, “I had a difficult day at the office and my head is killing me.” The other person replies, “If you would learn to say no once in a while you wouldn’t have so much to do,” and so on)
- Using a negative approach
1) Ignoring (not answering or changing the subject)
2) Glossing over (“I don’t think we can afford that. Don’t worry – we’ll find the money,” and so on)
Contemplation #2
The following is a beautiful contemplation by Thich Nhat Hanh regarding the cultivation of Right speech. Please recite this contemplation daily and each time reflect deeply upon the meaning of the words.
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering.
Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am determined to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope.
I will not spread news that I do not know to be certain and will not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure.
I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break.
I am determined to make all efforts to reconcile and resolve conflicts, however small.
ONE YEAR TRAINING PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT #15
RIGHT SPEECH #4
THEMES OF NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
There are ten themes around which negative self-talk usually revolves. When we habitually talk to ourselves in any of these ways, it is fairly certain that we say similar things to other people in our lives. We respond to the world through the lens of our own mind.
Facing how you may be speaking negatively to yourself requires great honesty, self-disclosure, vulnerability, and compassion. It is important to note that we are not trying to change our negative self-talk into positive self-talk. As you realize or acknowledge (without judgment or commentary) the ways in which you have been speaking negatively towards yourself, the awareness or mindfulness that is cultivated has a natural transformative power.
Please reflect or contemplate on how these ineffective forms of inner-speech may be present in your mind from time to time.
- All or Nothing Thinking – The tendency to see things in an extreme way (black or white), with no middle ground (shades of gray). We may view ourselves as being compassionate or cold. People and situations are either good or bad. We see others as either loving or hating us. Our relationships may be thought about in terms of either being wonderful or terrible.
- Overgeneralization – Making broad general statements that emphasizes the negative. By using words such as “always” or “never,” we turn a single event into a catastrophe. Because of a difficult experience we may think, “I will never get over this event, my life is ruined, etc.
- Mental Filter – Selective recall. Thinking only of the negatives regarding what has transpired in your life without remembering the positives. All we tend to recall is the pain. We don’t enjoy good feelings because we are typically “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” One negative act eliminates all the good that has transpired before.
- Mind Reading – We assume that someone is thinking or responding negatively to us without checking it out. We believe that there may be an ulterior motive for someone’s positive words or actions.
- Fortune Telling – Predicting things in our life will turn out badly. If we have an argument with a loved one we may think, “We’ll never be in love again.” We may predict that it is not possible to make personal changes in ourselves before we even make the effort.
- Magnification – Magnifying mistakes and minimizing successes. If we make an error we blow it out of proportion. It is also called “catastrophizing.” These types of thoughts typically start with “What if…?” “What if I don’t get that job…, what if I never find someone who can love me unconditionally, etc.”
- Emotional Reasoning – Essentially we think, “I feel it, therefore it must be true.” If you feel unattractive or stupid, then it must be true. “I feel powerless, therefore my problems can’t be solved.” “I feel inadequate, therefore I must be a loser.”
- Should Statements – We maintain a list of how we and other people should behave or live. For example, “I shouldn’t be crying, I should have more understanding or compassion, he should not have been so thoughtless, she should have known better, etc.” These rigid beliefs and rules typically lead to feelings of guilt since we cannot live up to our own self-imposed expectations. It also leads to feelings of frustration and disappointment with others.
- Labeling – Viewing ourselves or others in terms of labels instead of seeing the whole individual. For example, calling ourselves a failure or our partner a liar. It may be true that we have failed at some things or someone else has lied to us, but it is unskillful and a distortion to label someone’s whole being as opposed to pointing to their specific behaviors. By labeling in this way, it makes the possibility of change very difficult.
- Personalization – Taking responsibility for someone else’s problem. When our partner has an affair or our child gets in trouble, for example, we believe that it occurred because of a shortcoming on our part. “If only I had been different, this never would have happened.” This often leads to feeling guilty. Feeling guilty, however, does not mean that we are guilty.”
So friends, Right Speech is more than how you respond to others. It begins with the speaking relationship you have with your own mind. As with all mental training, awareness or mindfulness is the key that opens the door to freedom.
ONE YEAR TRAINING PREPARATION ASSIGNMENT #16
RIGHT SPEECH #5
LISTENING FROM A SPACE OF SILENCE
Can one listen without any conclusion, without any comparison or judgment, just listen, as you would listen to music, to something which you really feel you love? Then you not only listen with your mind, your intellect, but you also listen fro your heart, you listen with care, objectively, sanely, you listen with attention to find out.
I think there is an art to listening, which is to listen completely, without any motive, because a motive in listening is a distraction. If you can listen with complete attention, then there is no resistance, either to your own thoughts or to what is being said – which does not mean that you will be mesmerized by the words. But it is only the very silent, quiet mind that finds out what is true, not a mind which is furiously active, thinking, resisting.
Krishnamurti
This next contemplation focuses on how to listen from a place of silence. This will not be a set of instructions on how to quiet the mind. Rather, it will list the impediments to listening from a truly quiet space. If we can be mindfully aware of what arises as we listen, we will not be drawn into identifying with these distracting thoughts when they enter the mind.
From this point on when you are listening to someone, become non-judgmentally aware every time the mind does any of the following:
- Judges what the other person is saying
- Creates ideas of how to “fix” the issue the person is presenting or how to “fix” the person being listened to
- Reflects on how the issues being presented are similar to the issues you are experiencing in your own life
- Thinks about the past or future
- Conceives of how you will respond to what the person is
communicating
As each of these thought processes are recognized, allow them to immediately pass out of consciousness, and go back to listening from the space of silence.
It is only those patterns of mind which we are unaware of that can deflect our ability to listen from a place of presence. When we do listen from this clear and open space and wait until the other person has completed their thoughts before we decide on how to respond, our reply is typically relevant, open-hearted, meaningful, and gives the other person the wonderful experience of being heard.
Final Thoughts:
Right (harmonious- that is, in tune with skillful action and intention) speech is so vital in our peaceful interaction with the beings of the world and also with our self. Negative self talk is destructive because it reinforces this habit energy. Harmonious speech can be a cornerstone of our spiritual practice. Some feel it is as important as harmonious (right) action/interactions because speech comes up so often in our daily lives. Please share this with anyone you feel may benefit. May you be well, happy and peaceful.
